


Unravel

by SisterDuffin



Category: Casualty (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2020-06-23 14:54:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19703668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SisterDuffin/pseuds/SisterDuffin
Summary: Bit by bit, Duffy’s life is falling to pieces. Can a conversation with Elle make everything ok?





	Unravel

As she ran the tap, Elle frowned as she heard crying and forceful breaths coming from the locked cubicle door. She turned off the tap, gathered her thoughts and took a small step towards the door.

“Are you okay in there?”

Duffy closed her eyes tightly as she tried to stop herself from crying as well as get control of her breathing.

“I’m…. fine,” she ended up choking on her tears, her breathing continuing to be erratic. Elle sighed sadly as she heard her voice and wondered what had made her so upset.

“Duffy, what’s wrong?”

There was no verbal response. Duffy continued to gasp and it took Elle a couple of seconds to realise that Duffy was having a panic attack. She knocked on the door.

“Can you open the door?”

Although there wasn’t anything spoken, the silence was filled by the loud clang as the door unlocked. Elle gently pushed open the door, finding Duffy sat on the toilet with tears streaming down her face, hyperventilating.

“You’re having a panic attack ok? But it’s fine, I just need you to take a couple of deep breaths for me, in and out?”

Elle kept talking to her, trying to keep Duffy calm enough so that her breathing could turn to normal. It took several minutes but as the seconds ticked by, Elle was aware of her chest relaxing. Eventually, her breathing normalised and Elle smiled sadly.

“What’s wrong?”

Duffy shook her head. Although Elle had seen how vulnerable she could be, Duffy’s walls instantly went back up. She wiped her tears away with the back of her hands, “I’m fine.”

Elle raised an eyebrow which caused Duffy to sigh. She wiped her cheeks again, remained silent for a couple of minutes and eventually replied, “not here ok? I don’t want to talk here.”

Elle nodded, agreeing to her request. That’s how they ended up over at the pub about twenty minutes later when Duffy had tried to hide she’d been crying. (Not that it worked very well, the red eyes were a definite giveaway)

They were sharing a bottle of wine although ideally, Duffy wished she had one to herself. She’d poured them both a drink when she heard Elle’s question.

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

Duffy sighed, “You’re not going to let me get out of this one, are you?”

Elle laughed, “no.”

Duffy sighed for a second, running her finger along the rim of the glass. She swallowed and picked up the glass, taking a large mouthful.

“Charlie and I had an argument that’s all.” She replied, although she knew Elle wasn’t going to be satisfied with that explanation.

“And that triggered the panic attack?”

“Hmm.” She nodded although she knew Elle wouldn’t leave her explanation and would find out more. Maybe it’s what she needed though, a friend. Someone she could talk openly to.

“How long have you been having panic attacks?”

She met Elle’s gaze and looked away.

“That was my first one.” She lied.

“You don’t expect me to believe that, do you?”

Duffy shrugged and downed the contents of her wine glass.

“Another glass?” She asked, briefly avoiding having to answer that it wasn’t her first panic attack and was actually, one of many. Elle shook her head and Duffy refilled her glass.

“A couple of months, give or take.” She eventually answered.

“Does Charlie know?”

“What’s this Elle, an interrogation?” Duffy sighed when she realised how sharp her words sounded. She hadn’t meant for it to sound so…. rude. “Sorry, that was uncalled for.”

Elle shrugged and took a small sip of wine. She had broad shoulders, she could take a harsh word or two. However, she didn’t easily give up either. And she wasn’t about to give up on getting Duffy to open up either.

“Have you seen your GP?”

“Told me I’m suffering from depression and anxiety, gave me antidepressants.”

“Do you believe him? About your diagnosis?”

Duffy didn’t answer the question. Did she believe her GP? Maybe deep down she didn’t. After all, she had no reason to be depressed and as for being anxious - she wasn’t overly anxious. She worried about things but didn’t everyone?

“Duffy?”

She looked up and met Elle’s eye. She shrugged once again, “I don’t know. I don’t think it is depression and anxiety.”

“What do you think it is?”

Duffy took another sip of wine and swallowed, “last week….. when I had my fall, I searched my symptoms on the app. To double check.”

“The app isn’t the most accurate. Further tests do need to be conducted.”

“I know but….” she paused and swallowed hard, “what if it’s right?”

“What did it say?” Elle took a mouthful of wine as Duffy gathered her thoughts.

“That it could be dementia.”

“Dementia but you’re only-“

“Fifty-seven, yes I know.” Duffy interrupted and sighed.

“Tell me everything from the day of your fall. And I don’t want the cock and bull story that you told everyone else.”

Duffy nodded as she drank some of her wine, trying to steady her nerves as she felt her chest tighten. Did she really want to go through this with Elle? She swallowed hard.

“I don’t remember much, I don’t remember feeling dizzy or anything. I… I passed out, came round a short while later.”

“You blacked out?”

Duffy nodded and Elle asked, “did you tell anyone you blacked out?”

“No.”

“You should have told someone, undergone a CT.” She sighed, “have you passed out before?”

“Not really.” She chewed her lower lip, “I’ve felt faint but never passed out. Not like the other week.”

“How many times?”

Duffy sighed and shrugged. She couldn’t remember, how long she’d been feeling faint and dizzy for. It seemed like forever, the place constantly swimming now and again.

“Are you on any medication?”

Duffy bit her lower lip, chewing the corner before she answered, “the doctor prescribed me fluoxetine.”

“Did you start feeling faint before or after beginning the meds?”

“I don’t know.”

Duffy admitted. At the minute everything was a blur. She was just about managing to get from one day to the next. She wasn’t sleeping great, the nightmares and flashbacks were too much and she wasn’t eating either.

“I’ve not been eating properly.”

Duffy knew, from reading the information leaflet that a loss of appetite was a side effect.

“Have you returned to your GP? Had a medication review?”

Elle finished her wine and refilled her glass as she waited for Duffy to answer her question. However, Duffy didn’t answer.

“I know you might think you don’t need to go but it’s important that you have a medication review. To make sure you’re responding to the medication. Do you feel like you are?”

Duffy shook her head. Since she started the antidepressants, she felt like she’d been drowning more and more. Finding it harder to fight, to focus, to pretend. Everything was becoming too much for her to handle and she wasn’t sure the meds were working but she was afraid. Afraid that the meds wouldn’t work because…. well, she had dementia and they wouldn’t get rid of that would they?

Dementia was a death sentence.

“You need to go back. Sometimes you need your meds tweaking in order to combat the depression.”

“I’m scared.” She admitted quietly. The first time she’d ever told anyone how she felt. She swallowed and downed the reminder of the wine. “It’s like…. I’m drowning and I’m tired, Elle. So tired.”

“I know-“ She was about to say anything when Duffy answered back, “no Elle you don’t. You don’t know what it’s like, not what it’s like to be me.”

Elle sighed. That was probably the most honest Duffy had ever been to anyone about her current situation.

“You’re right, I don’t know what it’s like. But you don’t have to battle this alone. You’ve got Charlie and you’ve got friends around you. You just need to be honest with yourself, with us.”

“Charlie doesn’t want to know me.”

Duffy answered sadly and Elle frowned. What the hell had happened in the space of twelve hours? They’d been so loved up that morning.

“Another drink?” Duffy asked and Elle nodded. She stood up and stumbled slightly, the alcohol clearly reacting to her empty stomach and lack of sleep. Elle sighed as she watched her. Five minutes later, Duffy returned with another bottle of wine.

“Charlie loves you. Whatever has gone on, I’m sure you can work it out.”

Duffy swallowed and poured herself a glass. She shook her head, swallowing hard again trying to remove the lump in her throat. Her eyes began to fill with tears. She tried to keep the tears at bay but couldn’t, she suddenly burst into tears.

Elle was surprised and shocked at the sudden emotion from Duffy. She wasn’t the kind of person to cry easily so Elle knew there was something up. She stood up and moved to sit down beside Duffy, gently touching her arm.

“Duffy, what’s happened?”

“Nothing,” she answered quickly as she tried to stop herself from crying. All this was her worst nightmare coming true, everything unravelling quicker than she could keep it together. The colour drained from Duffy’s face as her chest tightened.

“Duffy?”

She took a deep breath in and swallowed. The sick feeling wrapping itself around her insides.

“I need the bathroom.”

She stood up, just as Elle moved out of the way and returned to her original seat. Duffy dashed to the bathroom and Elle wasn’t sure whether to follow her or not. She decided not too, chose to give her space instead. Elle drank her wine as she waited for Duffy to return.

Fifteen minutes later Duffy returned and Elle, deciding to break the tension, replied; “I was beginning to think you’d fallen down that toilet.”

She rolled her eyes in response, “ha ha.” She sat back down opposite Elle. There was a comfortable silence between both women.

“I cheated on Charlie.”

Elle’s eyes widened at Duffy’s admission. What the….? Duffy noticed the look and sighed.

“I know. I never meant too.” She finished her glass of wine but opted out of drinking anymore, “but there comes a point when all your husbands choose work, that you do begin to wonder if it’s actually you, they’re avoiding.”

“Charlie loves you, you only have to watch the way he looks at you to know that.”

Duffy blushed. “Maybe but….” she paused, “since Charlie and I have got married, things seem…the same.”

“The same?”

She nodded, “we were friends with a physical relationship, all those years ago. Honestly it feels the same. Only this time we’re married and the sex is more frequent.”

Elle chuckled softly, just as Duffy realised what she said. She blushed again and put her hand to her forehead in embarrassment, “I can’t believe I just said that.”

“As long as Charlie’s being careful with that dodgy heart of his. We wouldn’t want it stopping mid-session, would we?” She smirked.

“Elle, stop it!!”

Duffy went bright red in embarrassment.

“Have you spoken to Charlie about how you’re feeling?” Although Elle asked the question, she already knew the answer. Duffy was the kind of person to hold onto everything until she no longer could keep hold of it or control it. She shook her head. Truthfully, she didn’t know how too. She didn’t want to disappoint him. She was his rock, he needed her to be well.

“You need to tell Charlie everything. The depression, the reasons behind your one night stand, the potential dementia diagnosis.” Duffy nodded, Elle was right. Despite her fears and worries, she needed to tell Charlie. “Unless you’d like me to tell Charlie?”

“No.” Duffy shook her head, “He’s already heard enough from other people. I’ll tell him but…. not today.”

There was a pause, “Elle?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t be daft, you’ll do the same for me.” She replied. “Now, do you want another drink, non-alcoholic of course?”

“I might as well.” Duffy answered, “not like I’ve got anything better to do.”

“Oh thanks. Last resort am I?”

Duffy just laughed. For the first time in a while, she felt like her old self. The person she was before all this started.

Tomorrow, tomorrow she’d tell Charlie. Perhaps they could salvage their marriage but she knew in order to do so, she had to be honest.

Even if being honest, scared her.


End file.
